It's another Sunday night. A week since I last blogged. This week was a long week as well, but a better weekend. A longer than expected night at work led to another zombie day on Thursday and busy Friday. Saturday I finally got the oil changed in the van (and it felt GOOD to finally do the work myself) even if there was frustration at the beginning due to an over-tightened oil drain plug. The filter change was easy, one of the easiest I ever had and it went well. I need to dispose of the oil however so I will be looking to do that probably this week.
One of the re-occurring themes lately seems to be time, or more specifically the passage of time. January is almost over. How has a month gone by so fast? I do not know what to write right now. I feel like there are so amny things inside me to say and to put down and yet I do not know what I should say or needs to be said. part of it is my natural reluctance to opening up myself emotionally I am sure. Am I so blocked off that I can't even open up to myself? Am I just not at the point where i can really face whats inside me? these are questions I do not have the answers for right now. It reminds me of how when at work some one will call up and say they have a question, if I know the customer I will joke back "I have answers, they may not be the right ones, but they are answers." that usually gets a chuckle at least.
I have a good job, and for the most part I enjoy it, or at least don't detest or despise it. It can be stresfull, and of course there are days that the stress seems to be overwhelming, but I suspect that would be the case with almost anything that is actual work. Very few people get to do just what they love to do and do it only at the level in which it is enjoyable all the time. Even those who are doing exactly what they love encounter days it is less enjoyable. Even so, it provides for our material needs sufficiently and even a great many of our wants. This family is truly blessed by the Lord. I do not thank him enough. ... ... ( time passes).....
Well Its Tuesday, I did not get this blog out on Sunday Night like I had planned. Yesterday was a Long day for everyone and I did some school work and went to bed without doing the blog. So I am hoping to finish this up during the last few minutes of my lunch break at work.
I am not even sure I can get back into the thread of my thoughts from then so I am going to wrap this one up and publish.
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Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Exhausted ...
I am Thoroughly exhausted. It has been a long weekend. After a very busy Saturday and a much needed but difficult late night conversation I was completely unable to sleep last night. I have been almost a zombie all day today, just glad no one went for the headshot. Last year went by fast and in ways was a very rough year. This year I am determined to grow and change, but both growth and change are difficult for me. I am very much a creature of habit and of routine. I want to grow to be a more Godly man, a better husband and friend to my wife and a better father and mentor my children. But this of course involves change and growth, two things that I first of all do not do well and secondly don't like to do because the disrupt my comfortable habits. The movie courageous has the line that "i don't want to be a good enough father." (and husband, and servant of God). I want to be the person God wants me to be, a man that reflect's God's glory through me like a prism. So that others see God, not myself. Again something that is not an easy thing as I find I crave recognition, at least inside or maybe its validation. I need for sleep to find me tonight. I know that I do not have the strength to go through a sleepless night like that again for two in a row. I am sure that I will be heading to bed not long after writing and publishing out this post. So far I have to admit I have not kept up with my Daily Bible reading as much as I'd like. I think, actually I know, I should read before I hit the pillow tonight. We are already almost through the first month of 2012 and I am only now reaching my conclusion that I need to grow. Almost a month has been wasted already. how much more time will slip by as I try to get my lazy butt in gear and actually work to make the changes I need? I do not know the answer to that question, but I need to put it in God's hands as I know I cannot do in under my own strength.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Time ..
It's cliche to say it, but the one thing that there never seems to be enough of is time. It seems with school, work, family time and the mandatory just sleep, eat etc. that the hours of the day vanish. Tomorrow promises to be a jam packed day with a birthday party and monster jam in the evening. I know Joe is excited about going and it will be cool to go. I go mostly for the photography practice. I got a lot last year and managed to work down my settings to something that went reasonably well. The downside is having to push the ISO on my camera to the point it gets noisy. Though I also had a lot of practice with tracking so that was good too. It will be good to spend time out with just guys though. Joe and I and one of his friends and his friends father are going. My brother-in-law was going to try to go, but his work schedule conflicts so it looks like we may wind up with an extra ticket going to waste.
This week has been a really long and hard week. The weather hasn't been great which hasn't helped anyone's mood and then the days just seemed to get off on the wrong foot. Next week will be better.
I need to figure out my next session classes and sign up as well as start getting the paperwork together for doing next year's FAFSA forms to keep in school. I feel like school is taking forever, but at one class per session it will take awhile. I don't know how I'd have time if I tried full time status.
Which brings me back to the opening of not enough time. I guess I need to figure out my real priorities and schedule accordingly. It can be tough though.
Just a few thoughts for tonight.
This week has been a really long and hard week. The weather hasn't been great which hasn't helped anyone's mood and then the days just seemed to get off on the wrong foot. Next week will be better.
I need to figure out my next session classes and sign up as well as start getting the paperwork together for doing next year's FAFSA forms to keep in school. I feel like school is taking forever, but at one class per session it will take awhile. I don't know how I'd have time if I tried full time status.
Which brings me back to the opening of not enough time. I guess I need to figure out my real priorities and schedule accordingly. It can be tough though.
Just a few thoughts for tonight.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
New year .. New thoughts
I am not sure where this blog is going to go tonight or even how long it is going to be. I know I said earlier I wanted to keep up with this blog better than I have in the past. So, I will now see where the keyboard and my brain take me.
I guess to start off, last night was Joe's 10th Birthday. It does not seem like ten years already. Especially this past year 2011 has been a blur. It was great to celebrate his birthday with the family, and my parents and sister and her family. My family is so much bigger than I ever imagined growing up. I guess first of all I married into a large family. Yvette is used to it I think. She had 3 siblings, and tons of cousins, aunts, uncles and other relatives around. Growing up, it was just my parents, sister and myself. Even when we went and visited family in Oklahoma it was never more than an extra couple of people. Now though I have four kids of my own, My sister is married and has a child and of course my parents are still around. It makes for a good sized group of people when we get together. At the end of 2010 I lost my birth-mother. It wasn't an easy thing to deal with and I lost a link to my past. But I was able to make it up somewhat. In the spring I traveled to San Francisco for a memorial service. I was able to meet Kathy's sister and brother and have been in contact with them.
I learned a lot about my family and about Kathy on that trip and how much like her I am in many ways.
There is a great deal on my heart and mind that I could write about and I am sure it will take time to put it all down and also what is appropriate to write and share and what I should keep to myself.
I turned 39 and I Guess like many men, and women, turning older and lcosing in on 40 is mkaing me look at my life and realize not only am I not as young any longer, my body is starting to tell me that, but I look at what I have done with my life, where I am, and where I am going and measure that against where I could and should be. Where I should be is the tougher question and there are times I look back and realize that even with all the blessings God has given my family and I that I know I do not deserve I have wasted many oppurtunities to follow his will for my life. I am faced to wonder how much my failures have impacted my family and my wife. I know there are things I have done that have hurt her terribly and the fact that she is still by my side is a gift from The Lord. There is still the fact that I am not where I need to be as a Christian or a man, and that my failures have had repercussions on the family that God has given me responsibility for.
Marriage as an institution has been on my mind for some time now, and I feel that much more needs to be done to defend marriage. Though I am not entirely sure the courts and legislature are the way to defend it. The best defense would be for Christians to reflect what marriage should be and show the example of Holy marriage and then people would see the difference and crave that kind of relationship themselves. That by example marriage would become desirable by men and women and not seen as a sort of mutual agreement subject to the whims of fancy, but as the serious covenant commitment it is. It is sort of cliche to say marriage isn't 50-50 but is 100-100. But even that is not quite true. A marriage cannot succeed unless husband and wife are First committed to Christ and then each other. Then come kids, jobs, finances and on down the list.
Joe wants me to play Wii so I am going to wrap this up for now.
I guess to start off, last night was Joe's 10th Birthday. It does not seem like ten years already. Especially this past year 2011 has been a blur. It was great to celebrate his birthday with the family, and my parents and sister and her family. My family is so much bigger than I ever imagined growing up. I guess first of all I married into a large family. Yvette is used to it I think. She had 3 siblings, and tons of cousins, aunts, uncles and other relatives around. Growing up, it was just my parents, sister and myself. Even when we went and visited family in Oklahoma it was never more than an extra couple of people. Now though I have four kids of my own, My sister is married and has a child and of course my parents are still around. It makes for a good sized group of people when we get together. At the end of 2010 I lost my birth-mother. It wasn't an easy thing to deal with and I lost a link to my past. But I was able to make it up somewhat. In the spring I traveled to San Francisco for a memorial service. I was able to meet Kathy's sister and brother and have been in contact with them.
I learned a lot about my family and about Kathy on that trip and how much like her I am in many ways.
There is a great deal on my heart and mind that I could write about and I am sure it will take time to put it all down and also what is appropriate to write and share and what I should keep to myself.
I turned 39 and I Guess like many men, and women, turning older and lcosing in on 40 is mkaing me look at my life and realize not only am I not as young any longer, my body is starting to tell me that, but I look at what I have done with my life, where I am, and where I am going and measure that against where I could and should be. Where I should be is the tougher question and there are times I look back and realize that even with all the blessings God has given my family and I that I know I do not deserve I have wasted many oppurtunities to follow his will for my life. I am faced to wonder how much my failures have impacted my family and my wife. I know there are things I have done that have hurt her terribly and the fact that she is still by my side is a gift from The Lord. There is still the fact that I am not where I need to be as a Christian or a man, and that my failures have had repercussions on the family that God has given me responsibility for.
Marriage as an institution has been on my mind for some time now, and I feel that much more needs to be done to defend marriage. Though I am not entirely sure the courts and legislature are the way to defend it. The best defense would be for Christians to reflect what marriage should be and show the example of Holy marriage and then people would see the difference and crave that kind of relationship themselves. That by example marriage would become desirable by men and women and not seen as a sort of mutual agreement subject to the whims of fancy, but as the serious covenant commitment it is. It is sort of cliche to say marriage isn't 50-50 but is 100-100. But even that is not quite true. A marriage cannot succeed unless husband and wife are First committed to Christ and then each other. Then come kids, jobs, finances and on down the list.
Joe wants me to play Wii so I am going to wrap this up for now.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Back again
It has been a very long time since I have added anything here. Life gets busy, things happen and intentions get lost. Tonight in church my wife and old are sharing about winter extreme conference. There is a lot that has been on my heart lately and I want to pick up the blogging again and really get things out there. I hope that this will be a regular thing and I can grow spiritually and share the journey.
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